PAIN….

I can’t hide how I’m feeling right now.
I feel an extreme amount of pain and sadness on the inside. So I’m hopeful that by expressing how I feel, I can release some of this tension that’s sitting so heavy on my heart.
Today kicked my ass on so many levels, starting first thing this morning.
I normally have a morning routine that helps me get my mind right before I head off to work and see my patients. But today, I decided to wake my girlfriend up and ask her to come downstairs so we could talk. I was feeling open. Optimistic. I wanted to share my true feelings based on the blog I posted last night.
That conversation didn’t go the way I hoped.
Instead, I walked away feeling unheard and misunderstood. That was never my intention.
Every time I get wrapped up in these intense emotions, I tell myself, “I’m never going to let myself feel like this again.” Then I end up right back here… feeling everything so deeply, and getting mad at myself for it.
But I’m learning that I shouldn’t be angry at my emotions. I need to allow myself to feel them… and listen to what they’re trying to tell me.
One feeling I’m trying to process is this constant belief that I’m not good enough in my relationship.
It sounds stupid when I say it out loud… but it’s my truth.
My girlfriend feels like I don’t pay attention to the things she sends me while I’m at work. It hurts her feelings, and I genuinely try to do better. But if I’m being honest, when I’m working all day, those videos, memes, or songs sometimes slip my mind.
It’s never because I don’t care.
Then when I finally get home, all I’m thinking about is spending time with her and my dog. Everything else gets pushed to the back of my mind.
Yesterday she sent me two songs to listen to.
I even told myself, “Nikki, don’t fucking forget to listen to those songs.”
And I still forgot.
Not because they weren’t important…
But because my focus shifted to making sure I got home and cooked the meal I promised her. I was exhausted from driving and working all day, but I wanted to keep my word. I made her the meatloaf she had been craving.
The songs never came up that night because she was happy about dinner.
But they came up this evening .
The moment she told me how upset she was, I instantly felt horrible because I truly forgot—even after trying not to.
As she expressed how hurt she felt, I started feeling something else…
Unappreciated.
It felt like everything I had done yesterday suddenly disappeared because of the one thing I forgot.
My mind immediately went to, “No matter what I do, I’m always going to be one step behind. No matter how hard I try, it’ll never be enough.”
And once that thought entered my mind…
Everything else started confirming it.
A month ago, I bought my girlfriend an herbal cream to help with her pain. I had been talking about this cream forever, and today it finally arrived.
Ironically, it arrived at the exact same time as another package she had been waiting on and was excited about.
I knew she was excited, but I asked if she could open the gift I bought her first.
She didn’t.
She went straight to the other package.
I tried to be understanding, but after a minute I asked, “Are you going to open the gift I got you?”
When she finally did, it felt less like she wanted to and more like she was doing it because I asked.
That hurt.
More than I expected.
Again, I felt unappreciated.
Again, I felt like I had somehow failed.
The old beliefs inside of me got louder than reality.
Later we argued, and hurtful words were exchanged.
At one point, I honestly wanted to throw the cream away.
Instead, I quietly picked it up and put it away.
Then I went into my bedroom…
And I cried like a baby.
While I was crying, I kept asking myself,
“Why am I feeling this so intensely?”
The answer that came to me was simple.
Because these emotions are attached to old core beliefs I still carry about myself.
Beliefs that say I’m not enough.
Beliefs that tell me my mistakes erase all the love and effort I give.
But that isn’t true.
I’m human.
I make mistakes.
Forgetting two songs doesn’t erase the fact that I spent my day working hard, came home exhausted, and still chose to cook a homemade meal for someone I love.
One mistake does not cancel out all the ways I continue to show up.
I can’t make everyone happy all the time.
And I can’t expect perfection from myself.
Because I’m not perfect.
I’m Nikki.
And even if the recognition I desire doesn’t always come from other people…
I have to learn how to give it to myself.
Well…
That was a lot to unload.
But I really do feel lighter now.
I told you…
Healing isn’t pretty.
But it is honest.