Inner Irritation

Have you ever just been fuckn irritated or moody for what seems like no reason?

The real answer to that question is: there’s always a reason. You just have to pay close attention to yourself to uncover the underlying issue.

Well, today I’m fuckn irritated and moody, and it feels like it came out of nowhere. But as I’m learning to pay attention to myself, I realize it didn’t come out of nowhere at all. It’s a lot of suppressed emotions that I haven’t been allowing myself to feel.

A lot of things bother me, and instead of speaking on them, I stay quiet. But me staying quiet doesn’t make those feelings disappear. It just makes me moody and keeps that anger buried deep inside, slowly boiling until I eventually explode. Then I feel justified for exploding because I convince myself I’ve been holding so much in.

But that’s not healthy at all.

I shouldn’t have one big explosion. I should express my emotions when I feel them, or at the very least, allow myself to process them before they build into something bigger.

As I’m learning to pay closer attention to myself, it actually feels good to become more self-aware. But at the same time, I get irritated with myself for allowing certain behaviors to exist around me for so long.

Today I was talking to one of my friends about medication. I was explaining something, and she thought I wasn’t listening to her. So she yelled and interrupted me to make sure she was being heard.

Usually, I would’ve snapped back and argued. But today I realized something.

The real issue wasn’t mine.

She was struggling to regulate her own emotions.

Now, did I deserve to be yelled at or interrupted?

No.

But I also didn’t allow her bottled-up frustration to attach itself to me and become my emotional burden.

The more I sit back and observe the behaviors I’ve allowed into my life, the more compassion I have for myself. I genuinely believed I deserved certain treatment, or that tolerating unhealthy behavior somehow made me a good person.

Not anymore.

Now I choose differently.

Maybe she felt unheard. Maybe she thought I wasn’t listening. Maybe she felt the need to correct me.

I can only assume.

But what I do know is that I no longer want to surround myself with that type of emotional energy every day.

I’ve realized that I surrounded myself with people who, just like me, struggled with emotional dysregulation. And without realizing it, we were all keeping one another trapped in the same cycle.

The difference now is awareness.

I had to understand my own unregulated emotions before I could truly understand someone else’s.

That interaction started my day with tension.

Then I came home, and while my girlfriend and I were watching TV, I felt like she was making little side remarks toward me. To me, those comments felt passive-aggressive and connected to how controlling I used to be.

And yes…

I can honestly admit that I was controlling in this relationship.

I tried to control situations because I truly believed I knew what was best.

Looking back, I realize that wasn’t control…

It was fear.

Fear convinced me that if I controlled everything, nothing would go wrong.

But living in fear isn’t healthy.

It causes us to behave in ways that aren’t healthy for ourselves or the people we love.

So when my girlfriend asked me questions tonight, I immediately felt tension in my body. It felt personal. It felt deeper than just talking about a TV show.

Maybe it was.

Maybe it wasn’t.

But instead of reacting, I simply answered her questions honestly.

That’s growth.

I’m finally at a place in my life where I can admit the ways I’ve hurt people. I can admit when I’ve been controlling or when I’ve handled situations poorly.

And I can also admit that I’ve learned from those experiences.

I’m still learning how to pay attention to my own energy.

Because whenever I’m moody, there’s usually an underlying reason.

Tonight I noticed it all.

I felt the tension in my chest.

I felt the anxiety rising.

I felt my mood beginning to shift.

I felt every bit of it.

There was a time when I would’ve smoked weed just to avoid feeling those emotions.

Now…

I allow myself to feel them.

I sit with them.

I understand them.

And then I release them.

Because holding on to emotions serves no purpose.

I’m here to live.

I’m here to learn from my experiences.

Not to become imprisoned by them.

On a night like this, my girlfriend and I probably would’ve ended up arguing. I would’ve gone to bed angry, frustrated, and carrying all of today’s weight into tomorrow.

But not tonight.

Tonight I was aware.

I spoke on what I felt.

I allowed myself to experience the emotions instead of suppressing them.

I processed them.

And now I’ve released them onto this page.

They’re no longer trapped inside of me.

Healing isn’t pretending nothing happened.

Healing is feeling it…

Understanding it…

And finally letting it go.

Healing is releasing.

Goodnight…