Before I Sleep…

When you sit in silence and actually pay attention to your thoughts, you begin to hear how badly you talk to yourself.

I wouldn’t dare repeat the words I say to myself in my head out loud. I’d be ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated.

So why the fuck do I say them to myself?

When you stop and think about it rationally, it sounds ridiculous.

I’ll look at people on TV or social media and compare myself to them, knowing absolutely nothing about their lives. I’m judging my entire existence based on the external version they’re choosing to show the world.

When you speak your inner turmoil out loud, you realize how naive and unfair you’ve been to yourself.

When I say I forgot who the fuck I was… I really did.

I wanted change, but somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I had to become someone else in order to receive the life I desired. I didn’t believe that simply being me was enough. I thought I had to earn love, success, peace, and abundance by changing who I was.

Somewhere throughout this journey called life, I started attaching myself to my experiences instead of simply experiencing them.

I wasn’t supposed to become my pain.

I wasn’t supposed to become my disappointments.

I wasn’t supposed to become my fears.

I was supposed to experience them, learn from them, and keep moving.

But that’s where I got lost.

I attached myself to those experiences until fear became my identity.

Fear of never being loved.

Fear of never having the life I truly desired.

Fear that I wasn’t enough.

Because of that fear, I spent years performing.

I thought if I became someone different, maybe life would finally choose me.

Maybe people would finally choose me.

Maybe I’d finally choose myself.

The sad part is… after performing for so long, I forgot who I actually was.

What was my real personality?

What did I genuinely like?

What did I truly desire?

I couldn’t answer those questions because I had spent so much time becoming who I thought everyone else wanted me to be.

Learning yourself again is one of the most beautiful parts of healing.

Paying attention to yourself…

Listening to yourself…

Choosing yourself…

It feels so good to look out for me again.

I used to think looking out for myself meant searching outside of myself for validation, approval, acceptance, and love.

Now I realize that was never self-love.

That was performance.

And if I’m performing, then I’m not being my authentic self.

If I’m not being my authentic self, how can I ever attract people who are truly aligned with me?

Recently, I’ve taken all of that powerful energy I was pouring into everyone else’s opinions and expectations and redirected it inward.

And it feels…

Loving.

I’ve been sitting in complete silence with nothing but a blunt, a pen, and my thoughts—writing, reflecting, crying, laughing, and literally talking to myself.

And somewhere in those quiet moments…

I’ve started healing.

Healing doesn’t have to look the same for everyone.

Healing is personal.

Healing is unique to every soul.

There is no script to this healing shit.

Only the courage to finally come home to yourself