As I get ready to lay down for the night, my mind continues to race with so many thoughts. I’ve always wondered if other people deal with this too.

One thought that keeps replaying in my mind is: What is my body trying to tell me?

I never understood just how much my emotions have been running my life. Looking back now, I can honestly say they’ve influenced almost every decision I’ve made.

I’m currently in a serious, committed relationship that’s been going on for over seven years. And this relationship has taught me so much—not just about love, but about myself and life in general.

One of the biggest lessons it’s taught me is to pay attention to my emotions and learn how to manage them before they manage me.

That used to sound like a foreign language to me.

One thing I’ve realized is that I’ve spent years suppressing my emotions just to keep the peace in my relationship. But all that has ever done is create discomfort, distance, and resentment within myself.

So how the fuck do I fix that?

I’m learning that it starts with understanding my emotions instead of avoiding them. It starts with recognizing that sometimes what I’m feeling isn’t even mine.

That realization didn’t make any sense to me at first.

I’ve noticed that I can sense when something is off with someone I love. I feel the shift in their energy, and without even realizing it, I take on their emotions as if they’re my own. Then I suppress those feelings—feelings that were never mine to carry in the first place.

Holding on to emotions that don’t belong to me has been exhausting. It became so normal that I started forgetting what my own emotions actually felt like.

And that’s a scary place to be.

The crazy part is that carrying all this emotional baggage has affected me in so many ways—ways I’m honestly embarrassed to admit. But I’m finally learning to let go of what isn’t mine to hold.

This healing shit is hard.

It’s ugly.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s raw.

But it’s also necessary.

I’m using this platform to be vulnerable because I’m done pretending I’ve got it all figured out. I’m ready to let this shit out instead of carrying it around.

I’m ready to be Nikki again.

Not the old Nikki.

The evolved Nikki.

The integrated Nikki.

The Nikki who can accept both her light and her darkness. The Nikki who understands that healing isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about remembering who she was before fear, survival, and people-pleasing convinced her she wasn’t enough.

I’m finally accepting my truth.

But first, I have to remember what’s me… and what’s not.

I’ve spent so much of my life performing that I’m trying to rediscover my real personality underneath the mask I’ve been wearing for years.

Somewhere along the way, I found someone I loved and wanted to spend my life with. But instead of believing I was enough, I slowly convinced myself that the real version of Nikki needed to change in order to be loved.

Why the fuck would I believe that?

Because distorted thoughts have a way of becoming distorted realities.

If you don’t pay attention to the stories you tell yourself, they’ll start writing your life for you.

I’ve spent seven years living inside a reality that was shaped by those distorted thoughts.

But today…

I can finally admit it.

And because I can admit it, I can change it.

I can move.

I can grow.

I can heal.

Fixing my inner world has become my highest priority.

For so long, I thought “home” was something outside of me—a relationship, a house, a person, a destination.

But I’ve recently awakened to a truth that has changed everything:

Home has always been within me.

And maybe healing isn’t about finding home.

Maybe it’s about returning to it.

Let the healing begin …..