Random Thoughts

As I lay my head down to rest for the night, my mind continues to race with random thoughts.

I chose this life… right?

My experiences are what make me who I am… right? Well, they’re what help me grow… right?

But damn… my inner thoughts be fucking me up.

One thought that continues to replay in my mind is: Why do I allow my emotions to get the best of me? Why isn’t it so easy to just not let shit get to me?

When I try not to suppress my emotions, I still find myself suppressing them.

How do I listen to my body? Is it my body speaking? My intuition? Or is it my fucking fear?

This shit is so damn confusing.

Control your emotions. Don’t let shit get to you. It’s not that deep, Nikki. Let the shit go, bitch.

But why do I continue to hold onto shit?

What does holding onto it actually do for me?

Nothing, really, when I think about it.

I’m just holding onto painful memories for the hell of it.

Holding onto painful memories isn’t healing—it’s fucking heavy.

I’m like the bag lady, carrying painful memories like they’re treasure… but they’re trash.

Trash I need to let go of.

But how the fuck do you let go?

How do you forget things that are on autoplay in your mind?

Maybe that’s the wrong question.

Maybe healing isn’t about forgetting.

Maybe it’s about remembering without reliving.

Maybe one day these memories won’t disappear—but they’ll stop owning me.

Until then, I guess I keep learning myself

Goodnight ….